Okay so it’s 1am I’m lying next to Ben my boyfriend/ex/i have no idea what we are. I broke up with him yesterday, I don’t have a clue why. He is perfect. Literally. I couldn’t fault him. So why can’t I put my all into it? Something just isn’t there. I can only assume it has everything to do with Jamie. I think about him everyday. I have spoken to him when I guess I shouldn’t have, and I ask myself is he the reason I am going home? Does he even still love me? DO I EVEN WANT TO BE WITH HIM? After everything?
I can’t help but feel like he is the one. My one true love, you know the drill. Do you only get one? Was the timing all wrong? Have I fucked it up? Or am I lying next to the one I am supposed to be with I just rushed it and the thoughts of Jamie are still fresh?
I have no idea. I know what my head is saying. Ben is incredible, he loves you, he will never let you down, everyone loves him, he is the right thing to do? But my heart doesn’t say anything at all. And isn’t that what love is? From the heart? Am I playing a dangerous game. Will I regret this 2 years from now when I’m lonely and he’s married and was the RIGHT thing to do?
I have never gone with the right thing. AND HE SNORES SO LOUDLY.. but do they all? I hate it. I don’t like him touching me. The only time I’ve slept with him since I moved in here is last night, when we broke up. How gross is that? I can’t sleep with him without the excitement. I can’t sleep with him full stop because I think of Jamie all the time. I love him, I’m madly in love with him, but he is most definitely the WRONG thing to do.